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So I’m officially passed the halfway point of chemo! It's actually mad how far I’ve come. Not going to lie, it’s been a rough fucking ride. But, 4 chemo’s down, 3 to go. I know I’ve got this.
This week I start my new drug cocktail – Herceptin, Perjeta and Docetaxel. This is targeted chemo for my cancer type and the doctors are confident that this should kill any remaining cancer cells.
I’m weirdly excited to crack on, but of course, new drugs mean new side effects – I was only just getting to grips with the last lot. We’ve got a fairly extensive list to look forward to this time lads, including, but not limited to:
· Risk of infection,
· Bruising & bleeding,
· Diarrhoea & constipation,
· Nails falling off,
· Effects on the lungs & heart.
Fabulous. So, now we wait to play the ever-too-familiar game of chemotherapy roulette – which side effects will I land on this time?
Wednesday 24th February (Day 1)
The nurses warned me today would be long. I’ve been in hospital since 11:30, and at almost 4pm I’m just starting my final infusion which will take another hour.
I’m also feeling mega pissed off. Because, other than my right tit trying to kill me, I’ve actually been feeling rather well as of late. To be back in the chemo chair being poisoned with the most toxic drugs, knowing I’m going to feel like I’m at death’s door shortly, feels pretty fucking unfair.
I know I don’t have a choice. And I also know that as bad as chemo makes me feel, I can rest assured it makes the cancer feel even worse.
Thursday 25th February (Day 2)
I feel strangely alright today. My breast nurse did say that side effects tend to hit a little later on with these drugs, but it’s still weird to feel this fresh 24 hours post-chemo.
We get a high score of 46/50 on the weekly family quiz – not too shabby for a chemo brain.
Friday 26th February (Day 3)
Steroids with a side of anti-sickness meds for breakfast, a classic. I'm attending a virtual funeral this morning, but afterwards Mum and I walk into town for hot chocolate and a stroll around the park. Physically, I feel good.
Mentally, not so good. Steroid-induced anxiety strikes big time, and I end up consulting Dr Google – never a good idea. An hour of scrolling later and I’m in a deep dark pit of despair. Commence pity party for one and a solid crying sesh.
Saturday 27th February (Day 4)
I wake up with what can only be described as a combination of the world’s worst hangover, being hit repeatedly by a bus, and contracting severe salmonella.
My entire body aches relentlessly. It’s such a beautiful day, all I want to do is go outside, but I physically cannot get up. I end up spending more hours asleep than I do awake. Not even a Chinese from my favourite takeaway can help me... that's when you know this shit is bad!
Sunday 28th February (Day 5)
I manage to make it from my bed to the sofa, so I guess that’s progress. Today is basically just a repeat of yesterday – blank stares into nothingness, unable to concentrate on much due to the brain fog, and copious long, uncomfortable naps.
Other new side effects include: banging headaches, the shits (could be the Chinese), sore runny nose (because chemo means I’ve lost all my nose hair, and you really don't realise how much you rely on those lil buggers) and weight gain. Yep, you might think cancer makes you lose weight but it’s actually the opposite in many cases. Thanks to the combination of Chinese takeaways/entirely beige diet, the steroids, and the fact I can only exercise on days when I feel well (which are becoming few and far between), I’m now carrying a little extra baggage.
I normally love to run and eat healthy the majority of the time, and last year I lost a stone, so seeing the scales go up every time I get weighed at treatment is fairly shit. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m listening to my body and doing what it needs to recover.
Monday 1st March (Day 6)
Despite 10+ hours of sleep, I still feel like dog shite. I’m also popping paracetamol like there's no tomorrow to try and combat the excruciating bone pain caused by my daily white blood cell boosting injections. Living the dream, right?
Tuesday 2nd March (Day 7)
I was just starting to feel semi-human today, but as bedtime approached, I started to get really bad acid reflux. Next thing you know I’m violently throwing up my dinner, wide awake until 4:30 sobbing in agony, before finally being defeated by the pain and waking my parents. I literally feel like I'm 5 years old all over again.
I eventually manage a couple hours' kip in a particularly awkward propped upright position. On tomorrow’s shopping list: Gaviscon.
Wednesday 3rd March (Day 8)
Thankfully, the Gaviscon does its job and I’m prescribed medication for heartburn going forwards. One of very few cancer perks is getting free prescriptions, which is lucky really because my prescription list is getting bigger by the minute.
Thursday 4th March (Day 9)
Just as I’m finally starting to feel better, I notice an itch on the palm of my hands. Upon further inspection, I see there’s a small, bumpy rash appearing. I don’t think too much of it but call the chemo hotline anyway just to let them know. Of course, they want me to go in for review, so it’s an afternoon spent driving to Liverpool and back (a good 45 minutes each way) to make sure I’m not dying or anything. And, of course, when I actually get to hospital the rash has completely fucked off, na-da, see you never. You really can’t make this shit up.
On the plus side, I'm finally starting to feel a bit more like me again, rather than the sad shell of a human I've felt all week. This cycle has without a doubt been the most gruelling so far. It has completely knocked me for six, battering my poor, weak bod within an inch of its life to the point where I've genuinely wondered how on earth I'm going to get through another 3. I'm exhausted and emotionally burned out. But, I'm hanging in there. I'm amazed by my body and its ability to put up with the shit being thrown at it. I swear I'll never take it for granted again. Chemo has been fucking dreadful, but it's also saving my life – and that's what keeps me going every single time I'm back in that chair.
Until next time,
Tabby x
You can follow more of my cancer journey on Instagram here.
